I'll be honest, I've debated on whether or not to share just NYC fun stories or to be real. It's easy to be real with your close friends and family who know you well, love you, know your heart and what brings you joy and what you struggle with. But this is a open blog and I don't know who all is reading it. For the most part, it will be light and fluffy. But I haven't been able to figure out what to write besides what is on my heart, which seems most pressing. Honesty is best and being authentic is something I'm working on. So here are my thoughts of late, both simple and deep.
Tonight I was the last one to leave work (rare) and before I left, I stood outside on the balcony and looked at the magnificent City in all of it's lights and grandeur. But it couldn't even compare to the sunset behind it. THAT is what is truly grand. That is what took my breath away. When time stands still, worries fly away with the wind and you take in all of the beauty.
This morning on my run, I started when it was really dark and I saw little white specks falling from the sky... I just figured that it was from the trees or something. Towards the end of my run, the amazing sunrise showed me that it was actually flurries.
My heart is heavy. Heavy for my friends who have lost their jobs and those who are waiting to hear if they still have a job. For those who don't have a home. For those whose home is the subway, the stoop of a church or the park bench. For my friends who are going through hard times. For businesses that have had to close. For my sweet Grandmother who is all alone. For friends who are struggling with singleness. For my "adopted for a year" sister who is from Ethiopia and lost her parents and has no money. For parents who have lost children.
I talked with my boys tonight and it made me miss them terribly. I talked with Nicholas for a good 4 minutes. We had a nice conversation- yes, we conversed back and forth. How is it that my heart holds such love? Why is it that I miss them so? I don't want to be a nanny again. But it somehow seems so unfair that they can't be a regular part of my life. That I wasn't supposed to raise them and care for them for two years and then just leave. How I wish I knew them now.... to know the little things. Like how Nicholas only liked certain, particular songs on a cd and what things would make him laugh... and the dinner plate Alec preferred and how we had our little, special bedtime saying. I don't know what they like now. And that's ok, they're not my kids. But sometimes it just seems unfair that I can't be with these two little boys I love so much.
I'm thankful for kind people... the ones who greet you in the doctor's office like you're the first and only patient they've seen that day. What cheerfulness and friendliness. It made me feel special and it will be remembered.
I'm exhausted and weary. For some reason it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders tonight.
But what joy there is in knowing and feeling the deep love of God- how he cares for the little sparrows like the ones I saw on my run this morning. But how, even more so, how much he loves and cares for me. And what better display of that than on the Cross.
That is my hope.